Not a Mega Millionaire…But *I* Still Like Me!
March 31, 2012 § 3 Comments
Well, looks like my dreams have been squashed (again!). I did not win the Mega Millions jackpot. Hell, I didn’t even win the consolation prize. But all this craziness has got me thinking – what would I really do with over 300 MILLION dollars (IF I took the lump sum, and after taxes)?
In all honesty, I have no idea. I mean, I have some ideas, I’m not completely dumb. But that’s a lot of money. A LOT of money. Like more than I would probably ever in my life be able to use wisely. (Oh, I could use it alright, it’s the wisely part that I would have a problem with!!!)
I would probably start by doing the basics. Pay off debts. Buy a “real” home. (Not that these humble walls aren’t a home, but I would probably go for 5 bedrooms or something. Not too outlandish, but big. With a huge yard. And solar panels. And a chef’s kitchen. And a hot tub in it’s own little house. And a maid. Just because I could.) Get a Nissan Leaf. Get T a newer truck. T wants to own an Irish bar, so we’d do that. Give to family and close friends and charity. Build a large house for homeless people. (I would!) Invest with someone I trusted. But then what? That would barely put a dent in that large chunk of change!
You’d basically have to invest a LOT of it. Or split it up. FDIC and NCUA only insure up to $250,000 per institution. If you split up the whole amount just to keep it in accounts, you would have to have accounts at over 1200 different financial institutions just to keep it safe. Chew on that for a minute. 1200 DIFFERENT ACCOUNTS!!!! Holy Hannah!! I can barely keep my savings and checking accounts straightened out. Even the investments that are insured are only guaranteed up to a certain dollar amount…
I guess this is where the financial advisor would come in. Although I’m pretty sure if I went in to my financial advisor and said “Hey, here’s 300 million dollars. What should we do with it?” She would shit a brick. Right there in her chair. In the middle of the credit union. (I love ya, Michelle!)
And then there would be the lawyer. You would have to have one. For what, I’m not exactly sure, since I don’t have 300 million dollars, but everybody says you would HAVE to have one. Who wants to deal with a stinky, stuffy lawyer? He’s just going to want his cut, too. And for what? Talking and signing his name? (WHY am I not a lawyer?!?) Ugh, and the tax accountant…don’t even get me started on the tax aspect…
And then there would be the woodworms. You know. Those “friends” (and other random acquaintances you don’t really know) who crawl out of the woodwork at the first whiff that something good might be happening to you and they might not have a chance to get in on it. “Hey, remember me from the month I was in your first grade class?!? How have you been?” Uh, I’ve been great. Lived a whole life without you in it. Thanks.
Press would be clamoring to get to you. Literally knocking each other over. Not only do I NOT want to see my face 900 feet tall on billboards and glaring back at me from TV screens, I don’t want to be responsible for paparazzi getting trampled on their way to film me. After all, I would be FAMOUS! At least for a day…
So maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t win the lottery. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t do anything else statistically improbable as well. I didn’t get possessed by the devil today, or hit by an asteroid, or by lightning. Or eaten by flesh-eating bacteria. And you know what? I’m OK with that. I’ll be the same person tomorrow that I was today. And I’m kind of fond of her. And I’m pretty sure she likes me, too. 🙂